Delayed Gratification

Delayed gratification, or the lack of it, is often a topic that comes up in our parenting journeys. 

The ability to resist the immediate temptation of an item or situation can be a huge struggle for children who haven’t developed good coping skills.  

Like the saying goes…short-term-pain for long-term-gain…delayed gratification is learning that the immediate reward is often way better than that instant satisfaction.  In other words, patience. This quote comes to mind when writing about children and their ability to be patience…

“Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.”

A child can be forced into being patience but wouldn’t it best if they have the coping skills and foundation to do so willingly, and with pride. 

Being able to forgo an immediate temptation or being able to push through an undesirable activity is a key component to success. Delayed gratification – for a better goal, or better result – shapes a child’s self-worth.  A good example would be studying for exams, even though you’d rather watch TV. Or choosing healthy food options today, to see successful health benefits down the road.  Make the choice to quit smoking, or save for retirement, all require major dedication and delayed gratification.  For children, this can be especially hard if the foundation is there for them to build upon that patience. 

Are children born with the ability to be patient?

Children are not born patient, they are born demanding food, comfort, and love (not the wroth demands, for sure!).  None of us are born with the capability to wait it out.  We achieved the ability to delay gratification throughout our childhood development.  That’s why it’s such an important concept to apply at an early age.  Now, we aren’t talking about withholding toys ands snacks from toddlers, or anything mean like that.  For kids, it’s more subtle, teaching them skills and modeling the behaviour for them. 

Most studies seem to agree that around the age of four is when children start to understand the concept of future situations, and by five they are generally able to start to display the cognitive strategies required to want to choose delayed gratification.  That doesn’t mean they will choose it; it just means they can likely understand it.  

You may have heard of The Marshmallow Experiment.  They took one child at a time into a private room and sat them in front of a marshmallow on the table. The child was told that if they didn’t eat the marshmallow while the researcher left the room then they would be rewarded with a second marshmallow once he came back.   If they child decided to eat the first one while he was gone, they would not receive the second one.

Some of the kids jump right for that first marshmallow, others tried hard to wait, but eventually gave in, and a few managed to wait it out the entire time.  That was a 1972 experiment, but it wasn’t the actual experiment that popularized it, it was actually the follow up to it.  The interesting part came years later when they were able to track the progression of the children’s lives and compare them to their initial reaction to the marshmallow. 

There’s a whole list of reasons why they were able to identify the connections. The children who opted to wait, ended up having:

• Higher SAT scores

• Lower rates of substance abuse

• Lower likelihood of obesity

• A better score of life satisfaction

That Marshmallow study did a little pre-study on the kids and sorted them into groups.  The first group was given a small box of crayons, with a promise of a bigger box to come. The researchers never followed through, leaving the kids hanging.  The second group was promised a bigger box and got them.  Validating that promise and follow through.   From there, they did the marshmallow test. So, you can imagine the impact that had on the kids going into it. Can you actually trust that the second marshmallow was going to show up? In other words, their self-control or lack of self-control was not a predetermined trait, but a factor of their past experiences.

Now, when we transfer that knowledge over to playing, toys, children playdates, all of that, we can see the importance of follow through. 

If you encourage your child to wait their turn, you better make sure they actually get a turn. 
If you promise you’ll go to the museum ‘next week’, then it’s important to hold to that. Or at the very least, change your language to reflect unknow. “I’m not sure when we will get to the museum, but I promise it will be before summer starts”.

Child behaviour, or human behaviour, is always so complex. There are so many ways to instill this and also so many ways to have it derail a bit, too. The takeaway seems to be that it’s never too late to work on delayed gratification and patience.  It’s never too late to teach them that they can trust the follow through. 

Depending on the age of the child, you can run through a few questions either in your mind, or with them to help bring the focus back to the overall importance of the end result of whatever it is they want. 

• What is it that you specifically want?

• What are you doing to work towards that right now?

• Is what you’re doing (or not doing) right now helping?

• Can we think of a new plan that might help more?

Starting early, and with simple concepts that will benefit everyone, especially with safety issues. Teaching them to wait patiently by the car instead of rushing into the parking lot is an important safety issue.  They start to learn the importance of that when they learn to wait by the stairs until someone can help them or asking for help to reach an object on a high shelf.  When they are young, it’s all the small stuff that builds the foundation. 

Children, much like adults, need coping techniques. “Out of sight, out of mind” is a legitimate avoidance technique that can be helpful at early ages. Putting away (or not buying) the stuff that triggers an urgent reaction can help them let go of that “need it now” mentality.  The cookies get put right into the cupboard, instead of on the counter where they see them every time they walk by. 

Singing songs or creating happy distractions can be helpful, too. Like if they are desperate to get down the slide at the playground, but there’s a few other kids ahead of them, teaching them to sing their favourite song while they wait can make it more bearable to wait. 

Maybe the most important part – consider your own needs and self-control issues.  Can you make positive changes that will help impact their ability to wait and be patience? 

Working together on techniques and modeling the behaviour can help expand a child’s ability to pause and reflect on their intentions and actions. 
Overall, the ability to wait, have patience, and seek delayed gratification is a good thing.  Let’s practice what we preach!